I FEEL OLD

Pic by David Gabrielron for madlady.se

So I turn 25 in less than two weeks, but that’s not why I feel old, at all actually. My mind feels old. I feel like my mind has aged 10 years in one year. Looking back at myself one year ago, on my decisions, my thoughts, and my whole approach to life, just feels so foreign to me now. I was visiting my grandmother the other day and we just sat there and talked for hours about life. Life, life, life. What is life even? The never ending question. We talked about how we both acted growing up. The past year I’ve grown a lot and so has she. She’s in the 80’ies and still discovering new ways to live. It’s amazing.

I’ve come to realize that, most of my younger years, I’ve been living in this victimized role. I felt sorry for myself every morning I woke up. I’ve always had an endless amount of excuses to be depressed and hurt myself. An endless amount of excuses to feel like life sucked and was always mean to me. It was so easy for me, because I could always find something or someone to blame for my misery. It was always something on the outside’s fault. Obviously, the fact that I have been going through a lot of difficult scenarios while growing up, can not be denied. I did not have an easy start to life. But do you know what… I’m happy I didn’t. I would have never evolved as I did and turned into who I am today, if I hadn’t gone through a lot of shit. I’ve finally come to a point in life were I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore or the things that I’ve gone through. I am grateful for them. They taught me so much and when I look back, I would go through it all again without hesitation. And even now, if something bad happens to me, I try my best to never go back into that “feeling sorry for myself” state of mind. It leads you absolutely nowhere..
This conclusion has been so important to me. Because I can finally start living my life without letting the past define me. Which I pretty much always have been doing. Or letting myself drown in bad moments and stay there for way too long.

Also, the same stuff doesn’t excite me anymore either. Going out for example. Obviously I still enjoy a really good party, but like, the whole thing with just going out and get hammered because, well you have nothing else to do, is just not something I find funny or necessary any longer. The thought of that alone makes me so exhausted lol. But I think that part is pretty normal right? I don’t know..  Feels like the environment I move around in, everybody just goes fucking hard until like forever haha. 🙄
I don’t care as much about fancy clothing and brands anymore either. For all I know my brother could have owned it and I would gladly wear it haha. Actually a lot of the clothes, that I do wear, is my brother’s left overs lol. I just maybe cut it up a little bit and rearrange it.

XX