One year without sex

Hi everybody. I’m back in the blogging game but on a whole ‘nother level. Been trying the “normal” way of blogging a couple of times now because, well that’s how society tells you, that you should do the whole blogging thing. Ofc, I got tired of it and it never worked out. I have come to discover that what works for everybody else, rarely works for me. So here I am again, but as a very new person and by that I mean a complete new person, with a lot on my mind and a big craving for sharing it with you guys. Don’t ask me why, I’m still working on that question. I will let you know when I have the answer. Also notice, that this is written in the way of speaking and thinking. Therefor the strange composition of sentences sometimes.

Okay, now to the thing that made all of you click on this post: “One year without sex”

You may be wondering why I am making this the subject of my first post. I made it so because this year without sex or men, has been the one that changed everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

Lets start with why I haven’t had sex for a year. The outcome was not the reason to begin with. The reason was that I had been hurt so many times and just saw a very toxic pattern take form. I was becoming the reason why my life was “miserable”. I was getting addicted to the sorrow that followed a broken heart.

I was never happy alone by myself. It had gotten to a point where my happiness was in the hands of other people and that had to change. So let me first of all say something to the few guys I’ve been dating through my life. If you are reading this, thank you. Every one of you. Thank you for the smiles you put on my face and thank you for hurting me. Thank you for pushing me to make some drastic changes in life. If I had found a guy to be in a relationship with, just to be in a relationship, I would for sure have stayed in that neutral state of mind, where whether I was happy or sad depended on the people around me. I wouldn’t have figured out that all my life I have been vibrating on a wrong frequency which was also one of the reasons I attracted so much sorrow in my life.

The past year alone with myself has been a ride for sure. Ofc. I have been missing the whole relationship ting, I’ve missed the cuddles, I’ve missed the kisses, I’ve missed the sex. A lot. Like, to a point where I didn’t even understand why I was going down this road. Has it all been worth it? Fuck yeah. I have a newfound confidence I didn’t even know existed inside me. Today I love myself. I love my mind. It is amazing and once I began to study it, I found myself running out of words to describe the beauty that’s going on in there.

Meditation has been an important thing for me in this progress (more about this in another post). Books, music, nature. I perceive it all so different now. My senses has gotten ridiculously enchanted. I notice so much more. Smells, sounds, the faces of people. Their eyes. Most of them so empty to stare into.

I have gotten so independent, that it scares me to think about sometimes. I don’t rely on anybody to make me happy. I put that on me. Only I decide what I allow to influence me, what I allow to make me sad and what I allow to make me happy. Whether it is a conscious or an unconscious choice. I don’t manage this technique perfectly yet. I still find myself “forgetting” to be aware what’s going on in my mind. But that’s okay. You just have to remember to remember.

I’ve lost friends this year. But that’s a natural thing. A lot of the friendships I had, were based on what I’d been attracting with that sorrow filled frequency I was vibrating on. So it was only natural for it not to work out because our frequencies no longer matched. I have found new incredible ones that do. We build each other up. We talk about the mind. We talk about extraterrestrial life and space. We talk about nature. We talk about boys. We talk about laws. We talk about everything!!! And I love it. Never have I been able to share deep thoughts and theories about life with other people like that before.

And I crave more. I want more knowledge. I have gotten eager to learn. To remember what I’d forgotten. Before, I hated reading. I hated studying anything, even things I was passionate about. Now, I find myself in a library, jumping around with excitement about all the amazing books. I get home with too many now, where before I didn’t even bother to go.

I like people now. I talk with people in the metro. I talk, and I mean, really talk with the people in my life. I see them. We have interesting conversations. I don’t hate people anymore like before. Ush, I really, really hated people before. I hated being social. It had to be very superficial interacting, if it had to happen. Anything else I was not interested in.

Do I still get sad sometimes? Well ofc. I’m still in the middle of this huge process. I still get grumpy sometimes. But the distance between the bad days, is getting larger. I’ve become childish, like you wouldn’t believe it. I love to share my happiness. I love to see other people smile. It is amazing. Laughter. Every day I’m being silly. I laugh. I smile out of nowhere on the train ride. Not because some crush just wrote me. Not because I just got some good news. Not because someone else smiled at me. Just because.

That’s what one year without sex and added mindfulness did to my life (and mind). I’m not saying that everyone should stop having sex for a while now. That’s not the point, and I hope you know. Feel free to ask, if you have any questions. That’s it for now.

Xx Caro

Photo by Julie Dam